


Shaky Hands

by RealityXIllusion



Series: Gintama-One Shots [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Based off of prompts found online, Dreams and Nightmares, Flashbacks, Gen, Gintoki just wants to be alone, Gintoki-Centric, Hallucinations, Hijikata and Okita are confused, Joui War, Panicking Gintoki, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Gintoki, Sakata Gintoki Needs A Hug, Series of One Shots, Some might be longer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:41:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21882430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealityXIllusion/pseuds/RealityXIllusion
Summary: He's used to being haunted by his memories of the past, he thought he would get used to it by now but some things are just too hard to move past...
Relationships: Kagura & Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Shinpachi, Katsura Kotarou & Sakamoto Tatsuma & Sakata Gintoki & Takasugi Shinsuke
Series: Gintama-One Shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576336
Comments: 13
Kudos: 213





	Shaky Hands

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first work in my series of Gintama One-Shots I decided to write in my free time. Since these are all one-shots, any continuations of pervious stories will be added to the series as a separate work. I'll write it in the title, for example if this is Shaky Hands and I write a sequel I would probably add it to the series as Shaky Hands 2 or Shaky Hands Continuation, etc. The Majority of these prompts are taken from old Whumptober prompts I've seen on Tumblr. This prompt is taken from the 2019 Whumptober prompt list created by @la-vie-en-whump on Tumblr. Sorry ahead of time if anyone is OOC!

October tenth, he would’ve preferred if he could just write tomorrow off like any other day but somehow the others found out it was going to be his birthday. Well, not his actual birthday since he wasn’t quite sure when that was, but the anniversary of when Sensei found and brought him back with him. He was pretty sure Katsura was the one who let it slip to Shinpachi, and he probably went and told all the others.

He hoped tomorrow was going to be a quiet, normal day. Just like any other.

He thought today would pass by quickly and without any surprises in store. Tomorrow could be spent sleeping the day away while he sent Shinpachi and Kagura off to do jobs. Only a peaceful morning was nothing more than a hopeful wish when he ended up waking up earlier than usual due to some stupid dream and overheard Shinpachi explaining to Kagura what tomorrow was. They grew oddly excited while discussing what to do as a celebration, but while listening in on them the dread he felt from the moment he woke up only continued to grow. He could have blamed not wanting to move on being lazy, but it was like there was a steadily increasing weight pressing down on him, making it harder to breathe. It was easy enough to pretend that nothing was going on, any time it seemed as if one of them would try asking him something, Gintoki made sure to cut them off with a timed comment sure to annoy them. When the hours began to pass and they grew antsier by the minute, he was tempted to snap at them. To tell them that he knew they knew what tomorrow was. That he knew they were trying to plan some sort of celebration. To find some way to beat it into their heads that he didn't want to celebrate anything.

There was nothing to celebrate.

In the end, Shinpachi shoved some bills in his hand from who-knows-where and told him to get out for a few hours. Claiming that staying inside for hours on end wasn’t healthy for him. Gintoki knew it was because he had annoyed the boy to the point that both he and Kagura had tried hitting him.

It was sort of pathetic how eager he was to get out of there.

It was starting to feel as though he was suffocating the longer he stayed indoors.

As he was leaving, Shinpachi yelled after him, telling him to come back before eight tonight. That he shouldn't spend the night drinking otherwise he'll be too hungover tomorrow to help with any jobs. He agreed with a wave over his shoulder, keeping from verbally agreeing, seeing as he was debating on whether or not to ‘lose track of time’ until it would be too late for a party of any kind. Just in case they were trying to throw him off and plan some sort of party tonight. Though he doubted he could get away with spending the next 48 hours or so hiding out. Celebrating his birthday has always been something he saw no point in doing. It was just another day, he never purposely celebrated his birthday before and couldn't really see the point in why he had to do it. The only reason why he ever had a birthday celebration in the past was because of Sensei not giving him much choice on the matter.

During the war, there was no time for them to celebrate something as childish as a birthday.

How could they? When they were spending almost every waking moment fighting for their lives. It's not as though it mattered to him either way, although, any time it had been one of the others' birthdays he made sure that it was acknowledged in some way. While Takasugi and he couldn't care less about their birthdays, Katsura and Sakamoto thrived on the attention. Gintoki had to admit that sometimes he even saw Takasugi smile when the others remembered his birthday. He usually ended up leaving camp to try and get away from them all until it was late enough that they couldn't try to start a celebration for him.

Time seemed to be dragging on, the seconds growing longer as he walked through the streets. His dream still fresh in his mind, Gintoki winced as someone's shoulder bumped into his own. This was bad. 

He didn't want to have to deal with other people at the moment. Not when all he could think about was some village he visited in the past, one he couldn't even remember the name of. He still wasn't sure what had prompted that sort of dream. He couldn't remember the last time he dreamt about before the war, Daydreams didn't really count.

At some point, as he stopped on the bridge, it began to rain. Slowly at first but gradually picking up in speed and intensity.

People around him took off, running to find shelter from the sudden downpour. One by one the streets and sidewalks began to empty until it was as though he were the only person left on earth.

He both loved and hated the rain.

Standing there for just a moment, long enough that the downpour effectively left him drenched, Gintoki took a deep breath and held it.

Today was not a good day. Not at all.

Slowly breathing out as he tried to force his body to rid itself of its earlier tension. Gintoki began making his way off the bridge and towards the park. He only made it a block or so before he found his legs giving out on him. Causing him to fall against the edge of some building as he tried not to go down entirely.

Gintoki cursed.

“Danna?”

Glancing through his fringe, Gintoki couldn’t hold back the groan that formed as he noticed just who was standing a few feet away from him. Okita, and Hijikata. Usually, he’d be able to ignore them easily enough… but something about the way they were staring at him… the Mayora bastard especially, it pissed him off. 

Sighing, Gintoki pushed his legs out in front of him as he sunk down to the concrete, slightly disgusted by the wet asphalt he could feel through his clothes. There was no point in ruining his fingers trying to grasp onto the brick building if he wasn't able to keep standing anyway.

“What are you up to now, Yorozuya?”

Keeping up his front of nonchalance, Gintoki hummed, “Why do you always assume I’m up to something?”

"Anytime something is going on, you're somehow in the middle of it!" Hijikata glared, “Why else would you be sitting on your ass by an alleyway? Or are you drunk?”

"Are you taking a nap? I can think of much better places to sleep. Like a bench at least."

“Oh?” Gintoki leaned back, ignoring Hijikata's question and meeting Okita’s stare through half-lidded eyes, “Why would I do that? The ground can be surprisingly comfy, you know?"

"But the ground is wet."

"It's like a waterbed."

“Would you two knock it off already! And you! What the hell is the matter with you?!” Hijikata snapped, tossing his cigarette to the ground and stomping it out.

Gintoki simply smiled in response, ignoring how cold he was beginning to feel, and wondering just how the cigarette managed to stay lit in this rain. Neither of them was carrying an umbrella after all. 

His eyes snapped back over to Okita as he stepped towards him, “Your hands are shaking, Danna…”

"Yorozuya why don't you just head home already? Or go to that damn Dango stand, you practically live there with how often you go there."

Gintoki looked down at his hands and realized that, yeah, his hands were shaking. Not saying a word, he shoved his hands into his sleeves, staying silent as he got to his feet.

Tried. He tried to get his feet back under him.

He ended up having to take his hands back out and leaned against the wall to push himself up, but even then he wasn't steady. His legs didn't seem to be capable of holding his weight just yet so Gintoki shifted until he was using the wall entirely just to stay up.

"....I think I'm good here." Gintoki muttered as the silence began to grow too long.

They kept staring at him. It was annoying.

A clap of thunder startled all three of them, though Gintoki was the only one to quickly cover his ears. _Damnit, everyone retreat for now! We can't fight like this! Fall back!_ Seeing the looks the other two were giving him, Gintoki stiffly moved his hands and forced himself to give them a carefree grin. 

"Hn, this weather's pretty shitty," Gintoki heaved a sigh, "Guess I'll have to play pachinko some other night."

...He really didn’t want to be here. He could tell just by looking at them that neither of them planned on letting him go without an explanation. It was annoying to think about. Why the hell did either of them even care about what he was doing? He didn’t even know what he was trying to do… He just wanted to take a damn walk. That wasn't it. They didn't care, they were probably just too curious to let it go. Thunder echoed throughout the area, Thunderstorms he could usually take, it was just today… today for some reason it was bothering him. The weather was causing too many memories to resurface, memories he did not want to revisit.

He should have remembered to check the weather report.

Gintoki startled when Okita suddenly closed in on him and started pulling one of his arms over his shoulders, “W-What are you-?”

“Your hands are still shaking, and you can’t stand on your own, can you?”

Gintoki gritted his teeth and didn’t say a word.

“We’ll get you back to your place-” Hijikata began as he took up Gintoki's other side.

Gintoki cut Hijikata off, “No!”

“There’s a time and a place, Yorozuya. Can’t you just throw away that inflated ego of yours for one second!”

“I just... I need to go somewhere, somewhere…” _Somewhere quiet._ His mind supplied, yet Gintoki couldn’t bring himself to say the words aloud, “I.. shit.”

He didn’t want to go back. Not yet. Not when he knew that if he walked inside the way he was now the kids would try questioning him. Just the thought of having to face them had his stomach twisting itself into knots. He didn’t want to talk to them, not when they’d try to figure out what was wrong with him. He didn’t want to have to explain anything about why he was currently trying to fight off the slight panic he could feel creeping in. He didn’t want to discuss his nightmare, he didn’t want to acknowledge what tomorrow was, he didn’t want to have to deal with anything right now. Gintoki felt the grip on his arms tightened, and it took him a minute of wondering why they were shaking to realize it wasn’t actually them, but himself. 

“-ozura we won’t take you back okay? We’ll… we can head to… to the barracks.”

_“I won’t take you back okay? Not until brother calms down.”_

_Gintoki stared at the boy, he still couldn’t remember what his name was. They’d only been in this town for two days and already he managed to get himself into some trouble. Sensei and he won’t be able to set up a dojo anywhere if he keeps pissing the townsfolk off. He still wasn't even sure what happened. Why did that guy start calling him a demon and try chasing him out of the inn?_

_Why did he start shouting for him to be captured? All he did was keep his brother from getting beaten up by some older boys..._

“Oi! Yorozuya!”

Gintoki blinked, glancing around and taking in his new surroundings. They were still in the downpour but somehow they had moved from that alleyway and were now standing by one of the Shinsengumi’s patrol cars. His eyes shifted towards Hijikata, who for some reason was frowning at him.

“What?” Gintoki snapped, his arm twitching as he tried and failed to pull away from Hijikata.

He didn’t like the way he was staring at him. His eyes gazing at him almost as though he knew exactly what he was thinking. Only, Gintoki knew better, there was no way anyone could know what he was thinking, how could they when most of his thoughts were stuck in the past? A past in which almost everyone he had known is now dead.

"Damnit, Yorozuya. Are you injured or something? Did you take a blow to the head or drink something weird?! Snap out of it already!"

Clenching his jaw, Gintoki looked down at his feet. Avoiding the glare Hijikata was aiming at him, "...I just need to get inside…"

It didn't matter where. As long as he was out of this shitty weather.

There was a 50/50 chance with him in the rain. Sometimes it would soothe him, chasing away any stress from that day. Other times, however, all the rain seemed to do was bring up unwanted feelings and make him wish he could just go hide from the world for a little bit. An actual storm was just asking for him to be in a bad mood. He'd be okay on his own, he would've been able to pretend that nothing was wrong if only he hadn't already let his mind wander to his past.

It was allowing himself time to think during storms that always ended up being what did him in.

He wouldn’t be able to keep this up for much longer… Having to force himself to talk back to them… it was draining. He just wanted to be alone, he needed some peace and quiet and for them to stop staring at him. If his legs stopped shaking long enough to support his weight, then he would run. Run as far away from them as he could. Thinking it over, if he did go to the barracks… there’d be nothing but Shinsengumi officers anywhere he turned. Those noisy bastards would probably try following him to wherever Hijikata and Okita took him. They’d try asking him what was going on, it’d be just as bad as going back to his place with the kids…

_“They say that humans are fighting alongside the Amanto now. They’re working together to take us all out…”_

_“Those government dogs are doing nothing for our country! All they think about is how to stay on the damn Amanto’s good side to save their own hides!”_

_“There’s no way we’ll lose. How can we? We have Shiroyasha on our side after all!”_

“No…” Gintoki murmured.

He wasn’t a weapon. Why couldn’t any of them see that? Did they really think that he was okay with having to go against anybody? Did they really believe he was nothing more than a demon? That Shiroyasha was all that was left, Sakata Gintoki having faded away at some point?

Nothing but endless battles, one after another after another… He wasn’t even sure whether the blood on his clothes was fresh or if it was just permanently stained…Their supplies were constantly running low… he hadn’t had a decent bath in months… he couldn’t tell anymore if the food was on the rare side or if he was just tasting the blood left to dry on his face.

God, he was freezing.

“What the hell are you doing!” Gintoki jolted as someone’s hand gripped his jaw, forcing his mouth to open, “You idiot! You bit through your lip!”

“Danna?”

Scowling, Gintoki twisted in the strange hold. Surprised as the moment the hands holding onto him vanished he found himself going down, completely unable to hold his own weight. Colliding with the ground harshly enough that there was a slight pain in his wrist as he landed.

He looked up just in time to see two pairs of hands reaching out towards him, he jerked backward out of their reach as he snarled, “Don’t touch me!”

Allowing his eyes to move up past the hands now held up in a sign of surrender, Gintoki was startled to see two _humans_ standing before him. Neither of them was wearing any armor… he couldn’t see any Amanto nearby either… were they just civilians? Did he get separated from the others and these two found him?

“Where are the others?”

“Others?”

Gintoki glanced at the darker haired male, the man’s confusion evident, “Zura? He-You, know what? Nevermind. They’re probably off on their own, they’ll be fine.”

“What are you talking about, Yorozuya?”

“I-” His jaw snapped shut, a loud booming sound echoing throughout the area. Hissing under his breath, Gintoki grabbed both of them by the arm and yanked them down towards him. They fell onto the wet ground, landing with a thud, he hadn’t meant to pull them that hard. “Stay down!”

Gintoki shifted so that he was on his knees, his upper body covering as much of them as he could, “...Damnit, their weapons are still up? They should’ve been taken out by now…”

“You…” Gintoki met the dark-haired males’ eyes, “We… We aren’t under attack. It’s okay, it’s just thunder-”

“I know the weapons sound like it’s just thunder, they caught us off guard the first time. You just need to stay down,” Gintoki searched through the sky, “Fuck. I can’t see their ship… just stay down. Don’t let them see you. If they can’t see you, they can’t shoot you, okay? I’ll keep you safe. I promise.”

Possibly another empty promise. How many times had he said those same words to others only to watch them get cut down moments later?

He just had to get them out of here. If they weren’t near the battle, then they’d be fine, they’d be safe.

“Don’t worry,” The younger one with the sandy hair said, hesitantly pushing at Gintoki’s shoulder, “We can protect you too. Let us up, and we can all get out of here, okay?”

Gintoki eyed him warily, this younger male… he wasn’t sure why, but something about the way he looked reminded him painfully of Sensei… The determination in his eyes was exactly like his own... Gintoki smiled sadly, “Don’t bother. There are others out there who deserve to be protected. I can keep the Amanto away, can you two get out on your own?”

Gintoki slowly shifted back, letting the two of them get up to their knees. He couldn’t help but notice how young they both were… obviously not kids but still around their early and late teens. Possibly, new adults, the other guy did seem older but they had this look about them… He wanted to keep them safe.

The dark-haired one licked his lips, “...We can all get out of here. See? This car, it… it’s a special car, the Amanto… they won’t fire at us. I promise you’ll be safe with us.” 

“He’s right, we can all get out of here right now. We’ll go somewhere safe, there’s… There’s a safehouse we can go to. The Amanto can’t get into the barracks, we’ll be okay there.”

Gintoki twitched, the loud sound hadn’t grown any closer but the noise was still loud enough to rattle him. His hand went toward his side, however, instead of the familiar grip of his blade resting in his hands all he felt was… wood.

“What… What happened to my sword?”

Sensei’s sword was gone, he wouldn’t just drop it. Especially not on the battlefield. Did they take it? Gintoki eyed the swords strapped to both of their sides, neither of them looked like Sensei’s sword…

“Yor-Gintoki. Gintoki, look at me.” Once their eyes met the dark-haired male continued, “You… you don’t remember at the moment but we _are_ going to help you, okay?”

Why did they know his name?

He wasn’t… he wasn’t Shiroyasha to them? Did they know him only as Sakata Gintoki?

“...You’re too young to fight a war.” Gintoki blurted.

What the hell was he saying? He’s seen men younger them the two in front of him trying to join the fight. When their numbers grew too small in comparison to the enemy, they stopped sending the younger ones away, in the end, they sent them to their deaths.

“So are you.” 

Gritting his teeth, Gintoki fought down the urge to yell. To scream at them that it didn’t matter how old he was, it didn’t matter because, in the end, he was Shiroyasha. Nothing more than a demon-fighting a never-ending war. He made a promise and he couldn’t give up, not now.

_“Protect them for me.”_

He couldn’t stop. He can’t, he was tired, god, he was so fucking tired of it all but he couldn’t-he wouldn’t stop fighting. He had to keep them safe.

Staying in his crouched position, Gintoki ignored the looks the two were giving him in favor of checking out their surroundings. He… he didn’t recognize where he was… “Where am I?”

“What?”

“This isn’t… this isn’t where…” Gintoki frowned, “This isn’t where we were fighting…”

“I know, Danna,” The younger one shifted so that he was leaning into Gintoki’s side, something the other male looked startled to see, “Katsura-san and the others are already heading for cover. You got separated from them and ended up with us. We need to move now if we want to catch up to the others…”

“I…” Gintoki snapped his mouth shut.

In the end, he didn’t have much say in the matter, did he? He had no idea where he was or where any of the others were at. If he wanted to get out of here and try to regroup with everyone else before the fighting started back up he would have to trust these two.

Instead, he stayed silent. Keeping an eye on their surroundings as the two of them ushered him into the vehicle.

The older male got behind the wheel while the younger climbed into the backseat with him. Gintoki scowled involuntarily before scooting away from the younger man.

He shuffled over to lean against the car door with his head resting on the cool glass of the window. He closes eyes mainly to avoid any attempt at a conversation the others would try to start, he didn't mean to actually fall asleep.

His body was just exhausted… for once, giving in and drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have a set update schedule, I'll just be posting these as I write them. Enjoy! Also, let me know if you have any prompts in mind! My only rules are that I cannot write romance, nothing against it, I'm just not good at it.


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